心細い

the clock's ticking. yet, i'm so vulnerable to procrastination

current state: anxious

for a lot of reasons, i think i'm becoming more unsociable. i don't know. it's a hassle to care about others or more accurately to have to think about what they think. it's unnecessary but inevitably it's going to haunt the simple head of mine. perhaps, when we are taught not to be a nuisance to others, that naturally comes in.

ironically, i always am a nuisance.

courage is sometimes so far away.

i type things down and i erase them all back. and the same things repeats again and again. what's actually there to be scared of? i always criticize myself that i'm just being over-conscious. but to be seen as a fool is definitely something i'd like to avoid. at times like these that i felt like i understood why there are so many art pieces that are just beyond understanding. it's the yearning to be looked, to have someone's attention but the fear of being seen all through is just colossal. rejection is plainly frightening.

okay, i gotta stop. i don't know what i'm writing anymore, it's getting nonsensical. 

十夜

now it really is only 10 nights away.

if anyone ever watch ayashino ceres, you know what character i'm thinking about now.

ok, back to the main topic, it's unfortunate that i can't reunite with all 84 of us who are going. and some of them will live not so close that will allow me to always meet them. yes, i'm sad. my flight's gonna be the last one, in Saturday night of april 16th. a few classes gonna be skipped inevitably. but i don't think i can blame it on this if later i can't cope with the lessons, or can i?

and one funny thing when the person from ypm called to inform me on the matter yesterday, it was told also about our attire for the flight. not only they make us wearing suits as to make it so formal, but also black scarf. i ask him "really? black scarf? with black suits? are we attending japanese funeral?" (coz if it's funeral which i used to go, it's light-colored clothes, but for japanese, it's black. now, let's just hope none of the boys gonna turn up wearing black neckties)

perfect with the recent disaster where everyone's grieving, and we are showing we are too.

so, that's one thing settled, no need for me to go all anxious of when is it exactly i'm going. but i actually forgot about the flumpool's dvd and only get that thing settled today-the release day. it all boils down to luck now whether i could get the first-press edition or not though i badly want that one.

btw, yesterday was also the day when i think library is not exactly a bad  plain boring place after all. well, if you're going to the correct one. i guess i could spend my remaining week there in jfkl library, and it only lies next to the midvalley. i could finish a few manga series and some haruki murakami's novel without having to buy it. well, as much as i love kinokuniya for it's mountain of books i have interest in, i hate it when i splurge my money each time. 

as i've mentioned somewhere b4, my goal of at least a book month is somehow accomplished so far. well, it's april and i've finished 5 books until now this is excluding the loads of manga which can also considered books.   my favourite so far is definitely 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time' by mark haddon. i always love when books are narrated in 1st person view. and as neil gaiman said it, unlike tv, words from the book are built into a world of your own, where you're one of the characters. it certainly holds true in a way. i also finished a book i bought a while back, 'Johnny and the bomb', terry pratchett still haven't failed to disappoint me in this one. and at kino, there's 25% discount for Randa Abdel Fattah's first book, well, i ended up reading her 2nd book-'Ten Things I Hate About Me'. all i was about to say is for the above 3 books, i love them!

and i got a feeling if there's any manga or movie i want to savour, now's the time. it'll be hectic once i reached nihon. well, i just wish i'll still be able to watch sakura in bloom. and i actually got a consolation word that in up north, sakura still blooms in May-and do i have time then??talking about movie, they're showing this in malaysia starting tomorrow-thanks to someone who reminded me of this. yeay, matsuyama kenichi in action-he's also in norwegian wood movie but i'm yet to watch that though it's been sitting in my external hard disk for a while now.

from zero to unknown

the countdown just adds up to a yet-to-be-determined number.

the fact that it was postponed indeed was a relief to a lot of people. but i'm sure if not all, some from the 84 of us know how it feels at the moment, after surviving the 3 long hard years.

mata mataserareta.

i fully understand this is all beyond our control. the plan was nicely done, yet He knows better and the most powerful.

patience is the key now....

p/s: when i thought surely my post count will rocket up this month, seems like the complete opposite happens. even from the previous one, it took me more than 10 days. okay, i did actually wrote down a bit here, can't deny how the recent disaster really affects me.

hopefully i'll make it in time to pack stuff.

and i'm wondering why the fonts are reverted back to how it was. is it only my browser or the blogger are disabling the ones i've set?

inexplicable

from tomorrow the countdown will be left as a single digit.

it's hard to describe how i am feeling at the moment.

today was the graduation ceremony. not much to be said, it went as how it's expected to be.

maybe, except this:

poor us, we were to be robbed!! thankfully none of our valuables items are gone, lol. as people say, laughter's the best medicine, they do know how to make us laugh~

i'm grateful enough the robe this time is not that bad. as compared to some memory i have from years ago. perhaps, this'll be the last we'll be putting on such attire. surely, in nihon, there's none of this.

actually, what to be said is so much more but it's just difficult to put those in words.

arigatou?

and i just found this song sound so soothing-like how spitz's songs always do, it's like consoling the current me at the moment when i'm feeling not so good for no particular reason

iro iro

yesterday, quite unplanned, i bought 2 more books

this morning, i finished reading one of them

i found out that i can easily finish books that are newly-bought. with probability of 1 to 2.

hopefully i'll start on that other book soon.

btw, for the one i just finished, i think i won't mind reading it again. i'll even consider bringing that along with me to the land of rising sun. this was my 3rd attempt of getting in haruki murakami's world. unlike the first two that i read, this one is non-fictional.

the content is just like what the title says. it's about running. actually just recently i was seriously thinking of starting getting my body in shape by the simplest means i can think of-jogging. and yesterday my meeting with this book is like fated, it's like saying to me, "don't let that thought be left only as thought realize it!"

and as for the rest of the book, it tells about the author himself how the very running influences him and his career. if i want to quote from the book, it's too much that are worthy to list here. it might not be an exaggeration if i say this book can be considered as a self-help book.

even more helping when i didn't have to buy at a hiking price it always is. for the first time i stepped into book xcess in amcorp mall, pj. if only i've gone there a lot earlier....

so, including that, my yesterday was great.

and it took a rollercoaster ride today. honestly, i feel very bad now. for several reasons i've yet to resolve.

even the thought that i'll be going to my dreamed nihon for real in only about 2 weeks from now doesn't make me feel better.

aargh

a stupid situation

no need to say, i don't like to cook nor do i know how

but today, i have been having the same food for 3 meals straight: yesterday's breakfast-lunch-dinner, today's brunch. the instant capati from the freezer, scrambled egg and baked bean from the can.

at least i thought of ringing some delivery service. my phone's battery's dead. and i'm not sure whether this house has its phone or not-i've had my friend giving the house a call but i don't hear a thing. perhaps, i should walk a bit until the nearest shop, yet the grill's locked and i have no key.

i have 5 raw chickens in the fridge.

go ahead, laugh.




in the end, i resorted to online order of domino's pizza. fervently staring at the monitor of the cctv feed showing the front gate of the house.

p/s: now it's holiday, a lot of people is updating blogs-thus explaining the recent surge of posts. happy to read all those though^^

3月9日 -sangatsu kokonoka-

sounds familiar?

at first i didn't realize it, until one of our TA's asked me when the graduation day is going to be, i just plainly answered "sangatsu kokonoka desu". then, i burst into laughter. it's a coincidence, yes, but it certainly makes me want to sing this particular song on that day. well, that's not going to happen though, with the official ceremony and all. and i still find it silly that we have that mortar board - okay, i only cared that it would ruin the curve at my scarf.


and... patiently waits for that mere 1.5k　みんな、我慢しないとね
in that while, i filled my time watching dramas and stuff. hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday!!!

thus, the remaining 3 weeks

as expected from JAD, throughout the whole 3 years of this program, even the longest holiday we can ever have would be only about 3 weeks.

yes, 3 weeks left until my scheduled flight. and it's not precisely a full 3week holiday, we still have one more thing unfinished, and that'll be our convocation on this march 9th.

actually, it hasn't dawned on me yet, the fact that i'm really going somewhere far away. when people ask how am i feeling, honestly i can't quite answer it coz i still feel like nothing has changed. and i haven't even started with the preparation, perhaps that explains why. okay, i did already buy a few things.

yet, when i thought i want to do a looott of things, currently it seems like i'm soo free, i don't know what to do. more like, i can't do much given the state i am (so little money, cannot drive, not everyone is free to spend time with me and so on)

what i achieved so far is getting a few gadgets into my collections, reading the flumpool interviews in the magazines i bought recently and a few chapters of 『魔王』which i also bought the other day.

and i'm hungry