current state: anxious
for a lot of reasons, i think i'm becoming more unsociable. i don't know. it's a hassle to care about others or more accurately to have to think about what they think. it's unnecessary but inevitably it's going to haunt the simple head of mine. perhaps, when we are taught not to be a nuisance to others, that naturally comes in.
ironically, i always am a nuisance.
courage is sometimes so far away.
i type things down and i erase them all back. and the same things repeats again and again. what's actually there to be scared of? i always criticize myself that i'm just being over-conscious. but to be seen as a fool is definitely something i'd like to avoid. at times like these that i felt like i understood why there are so many art pieces that are just beyond understanding. it's the yearning to be looked, to have someone's attention but the fear of being seen all through is just colossal. rejection is plainly frightening.
okay, i gotta stop. i don't know what i'm writing anymore, it's getting nonsensical.