my exam's done, a month of mind challenging studying mechanics is already done with, and even Eid is drawing near (a time of celebration, i suppose), but still i'm so much disturbed and unrest. yea, it still haven't ended, they just continue to pile up instead.
someone said to me "it's because u keep thinking about it, that's why you are stressed"
but still, what else this brain is suppose to do while being alive? it's job is to think, think about the unknowns, to explain things that keep on running on the mind until one can be satisfied, right???
i can't help but to think of all those things though
what's all those things? my worries, my fears, mostly this selfish self only thinks things that revolves herself. the thing that's most disturbing are when after doing a lot of thinking and analysis, to find that own self is such a jerk, everything i don't want to ever be.
and the next thing would be to find way to make it the opposite, right? the problem-solving stage as somebody would call it. okay, i always end up in dead end here.
and that further pulled me down the abyss.
recently i discovered something. i always feel like a loser at times when i miss a chance in taking an opportunity. i would always blame the matter or timing or whatever related. but then, when i actually got the opportunity, things don't even go like how i intended it to be, this pushes me deeper into despair. in the end, it's my own fault and shortcomings, after all. and also apparent lack in courage which i feel like crumbling down day by day from all the failures myself makes.
sorry, i'm not yet a good a person though God has created me so perfectly as any other human.
yeah, all these keep circulating in my head, creating chaos all they want.
yet, more than once, someone turned to me and said "you ever feel stressed?" with quite a puzzled look on the face.
humans really are good in creating a facade........