Wednesday, November 10, 2010

there's a lot to wish for

if you get only a wish that'll be granted, what will you wish for?

that is one difficult question.....

i do have a lot that i want at the moment.

but first, we'd like to have problems to be cleared off our heads, right? perfectly, there's constantly a thing that is fleeting in my mind regarding what i believe is troubling me.

please, spare me of it.

sometimes i just want to whisk it off and make myself think that it's only me who creates the problem in my own head. the more i think about it, the more it is making a mess inside me. and naturally, it's not a thing you can easily put into words. yes, it's indescribable. but for sure, it's agitating.

perhaps i'm too much influenced with all the dramas i'm addicted with, my sense of logic might be far-fetched from what we call reality, the realm in which we're living in for real. and i'm overestimating things. for example, for a thing that supposed to be sufficient to make someone happy, still i'm expecting more and something just feels incomplete, in result i'm not that happy.

should i blame myself for being too much engrossed in dramas that it affects my thinking?

and what ceaselessly troubles me is when it comes about interpersonal stuff. easily said, i'm just clueless about the whole thing regarding it.

first thing, we have to consider others, and read their signals so as to make appropriate actions (for what purpose i'm still puzzled- is it not make them in unease or for solely not making a fool of own self?). but then i fear i misread those. i easily think the other party is not interested, so i should just shy away. in the end, it's me who feel lonely (somehow this word sounds too clichéd). however, there are times when i think if i can be this troubled, there must be others too having the same conflict (is there?). so if i change my position in the previously said situation, it might be me who makes others think the same thing as above. due to my inept self who hardly knows how to deal with people, i might unknowingly giving such unintended signals making them shy away instead. and the exact same result ensues, yes, that clichéd word.

honestly, i'm not a good talker. nor can i read the atmosphere. let alone people's mind. strangers, acquaintances, they might just be the same to me, i'm clueless about them.

and as day passes, when so much thoughts has piled up, the whole thing just feels so complicated. it feels like you are so lost when you discover so much stuff beyond your comprehension which you were so oblivious to before you didn't even know such things even existed.

it asphyxiates you.

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