疲れたんですね~

先生にそう言われたんだ、そして、「昨日、お疲れ様です」

まあ、それもあるし、でも、そんな授業はぜんぜんまだ慣れていないよ！！慣れられねぇよ。できるだけ寝ないように頑張ったのに、５分も経ってないで、もう目を閉じてしまった。仕方ないにゃ～

でも、結局、悲しいよ、このままじゃ。もう４週間目だよ。毎回もこうなると、ダメだよ。やっぱり、私、ダメだなぁ。授業の内容も分からないし、宿題のほうも進んでないし、毎日も、怠けたり 。

バカじゃない？

blah, enough complaining as if you're the only one having difficult times. there are others suffering even worse more than you could plausibly imagine. be grateful enough of what you have, there's always others who would be more than glad to be in your place. think of that, and no more grumbles.


an excerpt from a song i like from radwimps, Yumebanchi:

叶えた夢の数を数えよう叶わない夢は誰かがきっとどこかで．．．

｢僕がたっていることはきっと誰かの願ってる場所で

誰かがたっている場所がきっと僕の望む場所で｣
誰かがきっと今僕にとっての夢を叶えてくれている

僕もきっと誰かにとっての夢の叶えている 

はい、先生、これからも頑張りますよ、僕をちゃんと見てよ、今度寝ないよ！！


yea, i know this is kind of pointless, but i just need to blurt this out somewhere. this selfish narcissistic me can no longer hold more of this depressing thoughts and these negative auras are asphyxiating.

are we safe?

i remembered reading a hadith concerning about 'iman'. part of it mentions that one is not with complete 'iman' when he steals.

undoubtedly, that damned person(s) who broke in our house yesterday in our absence and ransacked all over, taking away precious properties from our possession was no way in a state of full 'iman', if he still had some it left. what he did was only an unthoughtful action, causing people none other than vex and misery. simply unforgivable! has he no guilt-conscience for what he did? has he not thought the sadness he brought?? and also the grudge the people he stole from would bear? how can he live through that?? no matter how desperate life can be, it still doesn't justify the terrible means he use.

while i'm extremely grateful my precious notebook was somehow saved (the presentation i dread was indeed a blessing in disguise), but i'm also in anguish for the loss suffered by my friends. imagine, to have properly lock the house and keeping all precious stuff securely in place, yet to return home and found them completely gone. as if all those efforts we made to secure things safe were completely to no use. what is the meaning of this?? only to what extend do the padlocks, grills and every available locks could protect us? if we are so much marked like this (it seems the perpetrator knows there are 5 notebooks to target, they desperately searched the house for the other 2 they couldn't find, a complete mess), the fleeting question now is how safe can we actually feel? it might actually a relief they only targeted the notebooks, indeed it's very aggravating considering how expensive they cost us, but it's a truly scary thought if one would go as far as breaking other people house searching for more than that-something too precious as a girl for instance.

ya Allah, please secure us from any adversities, and put our heart in ease, only to you whom we can seek protection.

void

sometimes i think i understand why the pieces done by painters or sculptors or poets are simply incomprehensible

are they by chance afraid of being fully exposed? yet wanting to be understood by others, but there's just some thing you don't want people to discover. they want to express themselves so people take note of them, but fear the reaction being opposite of what is expected.

something like that.

i think i'm shrouded with worries of the perception of others. is it right? or is it wrong? indeed, it can leave you miserable. no one want to be hated, thus finding ways to be liked. to know others and make them part of your life, so you could be alive.

yet, getting connected is a wholesome task.

people are complicated creatures, that's why.

i'd rather people to voice out what's in their heads, and to do that myself would be wonderful too. but, it's simply difficult. when i thought i'm being considerate of others, it seems like in the end, it's all about me. can i be more selfish than that?

and it's not like the world revolves around me, is it?

but it certainly is, in 'my' world. in that tiny world of 'mine'. i ballooned up in 'my' whole world suppressing others to the walls.

what am i? a narcissist??



a narcissist with a void in here, wishing it to be filled. and knows not how. to feel so small among the giant of others, longing for something to feel sheltered in ease. to much desires and and demands to be satiated. the eyes sunk down in insecurity. the feared darkness closing in.

and there's silence.

lalala

my premonition eventually came to reality.

i indeed cannot hold myself from all these temptations. seems like i'm falling deeper day by day....

and school? maa, it just gets busier and i'm far from tuning myself to that. all that empty talk of getting myself working extra hard for this year.

please... i'm so scared now. scared of jeopardizing my own golden opportunity due to my own recklessness.

it's not like i'm not aware how terrible would it were i to mess the whole thing i have before me now, but i'm just plain weak. weak mind. weak soul. weak self.





i despise this kind of self.






zenbu umaku ikimasu you ni

math failure

finally, one hectic week of school over. no, tht's not a week, definitely that felt like a month! i'm exhausted with all the workloads. they just don't do it the usual way where the first week would be much lax, they go straight to the contents of every each subjects while we plainly have no idea of everything in it. if we're compared to a car, we're no normal car, if not, to go straight to gear 5 is utterly impossible.

yet, once the last class of the week came to its end, instead of lying in my lovely bed, my leg brought me to kl. yeah, kl! specifically klcc, my venue: kinokuniya.

while originally i planned to go there next week, for the pc fair as well, the thing i've ordered just have to arrive on this very week. well, i'm a person with little patience. straight away, i went and now i'm in cloud nine. hehehehe. to have something you covet so much finally in your hand is such an ecstasy.

yea, yea, i know the reports and homeworks are chasing me, but let me relish in this moment first. aaahhhh~~~

go, go iman!!! you've spent so much to be lazing around. you've overspent again..... when i thought i would stop at that book i want so much, kinokuniya just have to do this offer which i just wish they had already started it in march. every rm30 spent earns you a stamp, 9 stamps give you rm30 worth of book. let's just say you spend rm270 and you get book worth rm30 for free. i'd like that. if only i know they would do this in april, i'd delay buying all that manga-gosh, i spent over 200 on them alone. i can nearly have all the 9 stamps that way. oh, and while thinking that, i made a blunder today. dunno why, but i guess the hectic week really affects my head, i miscalculated, i ended up wasting over rm10 when i didn't even have to. aiya, tht can make up my 3 days lunch. what a waste, what a waste. sorry ueno-sensei, i can't even count properly, so much to struggle in your math class.

nonetheless, bookstores are simply dangerous.

oh, bought another novel despite having a number of others in queue, waiting for the day i would read them. this time, i bought 'the winner stands alone' by paulo coelho. his writing is amazing, i still remember reading 'the alchemist' and so mesmerized by the story. language-wise, indeed it made me want to put it down at times but i enjoyed it so much. the story is just great i ended up giving it as a farewell gift to someone when i had nothing else better in my sight. i wonder if he would read it though. would be good if he does.

now, i'm so lethargic. still well for blogging, but report? i think.....

when 4 days feel like 4 weeks

it's more than i expected

first week is already this tough, well i should brace myself for this.... a mounting work before i can even come to realization that in fact the school has started... no need to say, my 1st day was a complete defeat, sorry sensei, i couldn't get my eyelids open that day, it's too much of a shock... and more subjects too new to me it takes time to get used to all of it. nonetheless, much thanks sensei, u makes it all seem interesting though the workload is beyond words. maaa, i gotta get in love with all this zairyou, keisoku, sekkei, kikai kikou/youso, netsurikigaku, and definitely the mind-boggling math, yoroshiku ne ueno-sensei~

however, the experiment we did was really interesting. only that, the report that follows stirs a chaos in my mind now. ganbarou2~~!


fatigue accumulates and wins me over


but yeay, tomorrow's friday!!! and something i've long been anticipating will finally reach my hands!!!

anyway, i'm glad i had a pleasurable weekend prior starting my new arduous semester.
yeah, it was a right decision to just watch 2 movies at once. 'woochi' is so hilarious despite being an action movie. well, korean movies tend to be like so, this reminds me of 'the host'. i laughed my heart out watching that one even though it's like a science-fic movie. and the second movie i watch was 'kaiji' starring fujiwara tatsuya(do i spell this right? he's the one as raito in death note). they certainly made a mistake when putting 'the greatest gambler' as the tagline for the movie. the story is focused on that kaiji character alone, and so little of everything else. and i'm sure this must originate from some manga coz it's full of that air. not really a bad one though. when i thought matsuyama kenichi would be an important character, he's erased too soon... but the ending is quite nice~~ i love that kind of ending

so, the movies i'm looking forward to next is shrek:the final chapter, and toy story 3. isshoni mi ni ikanai?

i could foresee a drainage of money beyond control... what more next week they seem to be interested for the pc fair, too much of a possibility i'll be flowed along.

the second quarter

so, what exactly did i do in the first 3 days of the 2nd quarter of 2010?

April 1st:

• further engrossed in my obsession while honing my nihongo in the same time. while i thought that a series of Q&A would be pretty simple than a whole long interview, i was quite wrong. but after all, i'm happy to be able to share.... hahaha, fandom talks. the reason why it's been quiet these few days with no entry in this blogger.

• and watched 'Clash of the Titans'. honestly, it's just not my cup of tea. full of actions but simply boring. i nearly slept when i watched those guys in a fight. and 3D chinese subtitle does not make it any better.

• and finally returned to tbp after a long while. rearranged our room and my desire to have a map on the naked wall facing the bed is overflowing now.

• the questionnaire was making us all panic, lost mine and ended up copying it all by hand.

April 2nd:

• we had our guidance session. a clearer view on the route of what we gonna go through starting from now. and also just why they didn't give out the infos on those respective universities earlier? found out the university of choice from long ago (for the sake of such interesting vibes it gives off) does not in fact have the research of my interest. aaahh~

• a briefing (but it does not even brief) on the labworks and whatever related on our mechanical course. seems interesting but it starts as soon as this monday requiring me to gather info on tensile test soon. and i'm at home now, that certainly is not helping in the slightest bit. at home, i'm super-sloth.

• finally i know where Pakcik Tahir lives. so much tolls on the way there. 

• oh forgot, received the books we suppose to soak in our brain for the sem. should i say, a mountain of them?

April 3rd:

• being a complete sloth

between K university and K university, i'm in dilemma. okay, let's strive harder if i ever wish to able to get into that 'K university'~~ XD