to waver so much

seems like today's post might just be a self-ramble. like anyone cares though, it's not like there's much people bother to read everything i blurt out here. but something hit me hard today when i'm reflecting back all those days i've been through.

semester break with practically nothing to do. well, some days turned out well but the remaining counterpart was nothing but wasted away. some plan succeed but most failed. and when i want to identify what might be the factor of this misery, it all pointed back to me. and i was reminded to a song-konjou nashi. gutless.

i dunno why but i get a feeling people thought of me as bold. not entirely wrong, but most times i'm just a pure coward. to analyse why i ended up like how i am so, perhaps it's the enclosed environment i've been so complacently in from long ago. i easily got afraid to reach out. and i know i hate that. i'm reaching 20 yet i feel i've only lived a life worth so short a time of experiences. what good is life idling away in oblivion?

and i kept wondering what makes it so hard to communicate with others. here, communication that i mean is the whole process till the end of it where you get what you desire from that very interaction. often, i ended up frustrated, unable to achieve my goal. the simplest example: to enquire something from a stranger is completely a arduous task for me. even when there's nothing i should worry about like in a circumstance where i'm a customer asking a person in charge at the premise. don't they say that 'customers always right'? but i can't help getting intimidated.

that thing aside, i might also in fear whether the other party got offended or burdened. always, i don't mean what i say but i don't really know how to ensure what the other side are thinking. and whether i've been imposing myself too much. eventually, to just take that first step is so much a hassle i'd rather step back. further, i'm shrouded in misery. i want to connect but i'm utterly clueless on how to. but i really want to.

nonetheless, when the first wall has been gone over, i have no idea as to how to continue on. to be at a loss for words or even what to think is simply depressing.




私の友達になってくれない？