a new confrontation

when i'm typing this first sentence, it's sharp 12 a.m of oct 6th, 2008. in less than 8 hours, my class will commence requiring me to hand in the work given to me more than 2 weeks ago. yet, i haven't even written down a single word on that white paper. i've been thinking if i carry on like this, just how much time it need to bring me to my destruction? yes, i got to move on

the reason i write the first entry in this blog is because i think i need somewhere to keep track of what have i done to my trust given to me by the Almighty God-LIFE. well, i have my previous blog but it was halted to my own ignorance. well, people might say tht's just a way of running away. well, not really. i think by using this new channel to express my feelings might be a new and refreshed method in confronting my problems. it's like when you start your life (i dun think it's start, it's just continue or resume) in different place, you ought to think you got to do better than the previous one, right? ok, that explains all.

ok, in retrospective of my life in the past few months, i did pretty bad. honestly. i regret of what i did most of the times. i don't know. ok, recent events: hari raya, ramadhan, special programme, semester break, exam, oh my, wht's before that? see, i couldn't even remember well. i've been afraid of this weak memory of mine. i afraid i did something wrong yet i don't even know it. i afraid i hurt someone else yet i forgot to say sorry. it's not like it's easy to say sorry when i know i'm wrong though. sometimes i use this weakness of mine as an excuse to throw away all that is unpleasant. pretty easy, huh? but it affects me academically as well. what's the use of studying when i can't remember it at the most critical time-exam? well, i just hope my memory gets better and better. i need more A's now to survive. and also to heal the relationships that revolve around me that i feel in need of some remedies. most of all, i afraid i forgot to care those i should as when people no longer care, there's no longer love. even being hated is better than being unconcerned of. at least, there's still attention than being nowhere in the other person's mind.

so, not just because it's eidul fitri, i sincerely hope all of the people who had been offended by me directly or indirectly could forgive this rude and ignorant self. i apologize for all my wrongdoings and also thank all of people who have been so patient with me. you've entered my life and has become part of it. my little world could never be complete without all these people who would not let me feel so lonely. oh, words of love so easily be uttered in movies or novels, touching people hearts, yet to be spoken sincerely is so hard, why? i wonder.....