after a very long while

for so many times i thought of reviving this blog, but it was all in vain

but no, i never thought of abandoning this place at all

each time i thought of writing something, it would all end up as thoughts and never really did i type anything

or maybe i typed, but they just stink in the drafts

honestly, the last time i wrote anything in proper english was for my graduation thesis titled 'Detection of Cavitations in Stems of Tomato Plants Using High-sensitivity Acceleration Sensor', which i tried to complete in a haste. 

well, thankfully i graduated!

and now i'm doing master course in the same laboratory, under the same advisor. i love my sensei~ so yea, i remain as a student

but it's indeed hard to try writing after so long, so i just made a digest for April, 1 second per day in a video.

i ate out a lot, so that's why there's so much food involved.

i guess i really have to be thankful, April served as a very nice start-off for my school year. i enjoy to be in my laboratory more than before, majorly thanks to my friend who entered the same lab as i am.

yes, i'm still raising tomato.

the moment i'm doing this post, it's almost the end of Golden Week, which means i have to prepare for school again after a whole week sleeping in until the afternoon.

a good thing is, it's getting warmer so it might be less difficult to get out of the futon in the morning. i already kept my down blanket away.

hopefully it'll be a great day, great week, great, month, year and life ahead!

oh, tomorrow would be general election in Malaysia, i was short of vocabulary when i wanted to explain about this in Japanese. i still have a long way to go to improve my Japanese (and this is the girl who is thinking of getting a job here)

school yearbook?

just now in Facebook, there's a shared photo that made its way in the newsfeed, it's apparently a page from what i suppose a school yearbook or some people may call graduation album. and that reminds me, i never had any of such.

i actually wanted to write a post like this after i graduate this march (if things go as planned), as i don't know if we would have one too. and that would make it epic, i mean, i've gone through layers of education from kindergarten until undergrad school, graduating from each of them but the thing that seems 'atarimae' (oh my, i don't know how to translate this), let's say people are taking it for granted that yearbook comes into package. but apparently not in my case.

and as i typed the word kindergarten above there, i had a monologue, why would kindergarten have such thing? and curiosity won over me. as people says, information is at your fingertips, and i instantly discovered that there are places where they do have graduation album even for kindergartens! (in the process of finding that out, i also discovered there are actually parents who blog about the whole life of their kid(s), i thought that only happens in tv ads)

so, it kind of ticks me when there would be a scene in a tv drama or movie where they would flip the book and recall the memories, or in some cases desperately opening them to get informations they already forgot with the flow of time. and i imagine myself in the future unable to do that. for my elementary and middle school, as it is still in the area, informations can be easily obtained, and i still do keep close relations with some, well childhood friends are your friends forever. and then i transferred to a high school located far away, where people from all regions gather. it was only for 2 years, though i still remembers the numbers of students in our batch-328 altogether, not that it heavily matters but honestly i only know a fraction of them. don't blame me if in just few years to come, i can even forget someone in my own class even though there were only 23 of us (or was it 24?). after barely 5 years we had dispersed our own ways, i felt like their existence are already so far from me.

and i was born exactly in the era where pictures are all pixelated and people prefer to store them as binary data instead of keeping them analogue on pieces of paper. and guess what, the last time i remember actually having photos on paper for the sake of memories might be before i even turned 10, that means more than 10 years ago. in the present where i am still this sloppy, it is hard to expect that i carefully managed all the files containing the photos or any pieces of memories i had then. what more when new gadgets are in put into use and old data tend to be abandoned, and they simply vanished! it's not to say we should live by hanging onto the past, but it kind of feels bitter when you have no recollections of the past at all, and nothing to help you do that.

my university life?

not bad.

let's see if these fragile memories can still last after i become a grown-up (n i'm still considering i'm still not one)

a totally random photo. the cat saying "i couldn't care less about your life"

p/s: i should seriously read more to improve my vocabulary.

adult?

the last time i wrote here was nearly 2 months ago. i'm sorry this place was deserted for quite a while already. my mood for writing went  downhill these few months. i also have another journal i keep (which is mostly about my hobby?) but that one also went abandoned for a bit.

as of now, i should be busy with my graduation research thesis. i'll be graduating this march! and it felt like it was only a while ago that i arrived here in Japan, but it's already nearly 2 years i'm here. many things i did, many people i met. (the moment i write the previous sentence, my mind actually thought of 'and many things i didn't do', what an ungrateful person i am).

to reflect on the 2 years i'm here would be too early, i haven't graduated yet after all. so, let's make this entry a reflection post for 2012, the year that has gone by about 22 days ago.

2012 was the year i first entered the lab i belonged to now. the year my blog entries dramatically decreased. the year i read so few books. the year i turned 22. 22??

and it occurred to me that when i was smaller, a person aged 22 seemed so adult to me then. but when i, myself turned 22, it didn't feel as much. as i'm quite a forgetful person, i've already forgotten how it really felt when i was a child, but it would be no exaggeration if i say i sense so little change from who i was then. here i mean mentally, if put it physically, i grew so big now. i'm like peter pan who doesn't want to be an adult, maybe even unconsciously. adult equals a matured person, so this implies that i'm still far from maturing. i don't think i am as responsible, and i barely can hold a commitment. so, that means i'm still a child? not a thing i can entirely deny though.

year 2012 might not be the year i can be so proud of myself with so many failures i did by my own faults. even they being unpleasant, i'm actually afraid i'll end forgetting them as i know there's a lesson in each of them. oh please, learn from them Iman, there's a reason for everything that happens!

with that, i hope year 2013 will results with a better me. hopefully i'll find what i want to do in my life after i prolonged my thinking period by deciding to enter graduate school instead of joining the workforce like some of my friends. i'll be more diligent in jotting down what i did/spend to keep track of my life (and money of course).

the first photo i took when it was snowing the other day, this is the view from the window of my lab

reflection

to put it in negative light, i think it has been a stagnant year

if it were water, i can't imagine how muddy it has been, and how much has stunk

i'm sorry, brain

and heart

and self



but too much roller coaster of emotions even when i'm going nowhere

it's like i unknowingly created my own tornado

as i was (and maybe still am) too full of myself

that plunged me into

guilt


then,

self-deception

self-condemnation

for all the things i did

but more of what i did not


wanting to just forget all

the unpleasant things

but forgetting doesn't make them disappear

most of the 21st year of my life

solid and unchanged, now forever behind me

(and to remind, all those will surely be asked about in the afterworld)



so 22, i hope you will do a good job dealing with the mess left untaken care of by 21

and do your best making do with the meager remnants of confidence and any usable substance still available


because now, i can do nothing but to believe in you

foliage

honestly i am super duper easily distracted

like this very action of me writing here in the blog itself is a distraction.

i don't wanna mention what i'm supposed to do, but now i'm distracted, let's just get into it.

at least i'm writing something.

so recounting what i had recently, we had kouyou trip to nikko!

kouyou = foliage. that's what i found from the dictionary.

in short, when people say they are going for 'kouyou', it means they're going to enjoy the awesome view of leaves in orange and red when fall has come.

since it was late october, the best place was apparently Nikko, a place located in Tochigi prefecture, about 2-3 hours drive from here.

2~3 hours when the traffic is normal.

but of course, it's the peak season, just imagining the traffic jam is enough to make you feel tired.

we departed at about half past 9 from saitama, at about noon we exit the highway and entered Nikko, but to reach our destination, Chuuzenji Lake, that took us another hour or so. just that short distance of few kilometers to get over this one mountain!

we made it at the lake and it was already past 2pm. less than 3 hours left before the the sun would set.

the first view i could get after finally getting out of the car, finding the carpark was quite a deal

Chuuzenji Lake

The shops that lined the road by the lake

Isn't this stunning!

Just me getting all hyped in front of camera

all the leaves have turned red

the fallen ones

i like this lane

Look up and this is above me

The trees that lined the road

Actually this is road going into a jinja

Yellow and Red, my camera color balance seems weird here.

and the boys

So yeah, we still managed to enjoy kouyou. As it turned dark, it was getting really cold, thankfully we had quite a dinner of Naans and lots of chickens in a buffet restaurant. We spent really long time there, maybe the owner already felt we were quite a nuisance. but well, everything went well.

人見知り

this is gonna be a depressing entry...



this is not exactly a recent thing, but lately i'm being reminded how inept i am

socially.

though i think some people may see me as an extrovert person.

and when i'm racking my brain to get over this, i keep searching of the reason why.

oh, just why can't i just ask that person when i have something i don't know? i'm not even sure why, why is it so hard to muster the courage to voice out.

okay, a major turn off is when i foresee that even if i ask, the other person won't get what i say, and i won't get the answer i seek. or i am afraid of simply making a fool of myself.

and there is a chaos inside me with me condemning myself for not doing what i think is right, and the foolish pride justifying it.

i am such a coward.

i could not even be comfortable being among people i don't know.

without me realizing it, maybe it's me who build the walls around me.

and later feeling miserable all by myself.


and harder when i know, to overcome this, i have to do it on my own.

and i know, some people will only just say, just do it!

at times like this, 'ganbatte' is the last thing you wanna hear. in fact, it somehow sounds like a taunt instead of a word of encouragement.

3renkyuu again?

Not really, it's only me who decides so. A Friday that i love when sensei happens to be absent from the lab^^

So today i got a little errand to do a little bit before the evening. I promised to meet someone at Omiya station by 4:45pm

I finished my work at the lab and supposedly we had our weekly meeting at 4, but i reported my research progress earlier. My sensei is ok with that. Oh yeah, i really love him today, i felt bad for rushing him to do my reference letter for scholarship applications, nevertheless he did it nicely!

So i departed from school to the train station at about 4, by bicycle it would take about 10-15 mins. I got a lot of time in my hand.

I even brought a novel to kill time while waiting. And i carried it in my tote bag. How stupid of me to use tote bag to school today while i knew i'll be riding bicycle.

The thing is my dear bicycle is so sporty it has no basket to put stuff.

So i just hanged it at the handle, though i was afraid of it swaying and getting too close to the revolving front wheel.

Another bad choice today, pants with loose bottoms. It made me worried when it kept wanting to get stuck at the chains. it did slightly, with a bit of tear as a result.

But it seems that the main concern is not that.

When i didn't realize it, as i cycled, suddenly the front wheel stopped!

In a blink of an eye, i was on the ground. I imagined the back wheel must be jerked upwards, and the impact was great. That hurts soooo much!

It turned out that my bag got stuck at the wheel that initiated the sudden brake. Oh, my bag! and i really love that one, now it is stained with black oils or whatever dirt at the wheel.

Thankfully i didn't think anyone saw it, it must be funny. Fortunately no major wounds, just some light bruises and scratches.

But still, when I tried to ride the bicycle again, it was difficult. Ended up holding the bicycle and walked to the station. When i thought i would have a lot of time to spare.

Lucky i made it just in time at the promised time. So delighted the minor accident didn't make me late, or else my friend and I probably couldn't meet as she had to catch train quickly after that.

Now i'll just take a rest, and rest more tomorrow~~~



oops, tomorrow i still have to go take the bicycle i left at school.

showing off my beloved black bicycle

lackadaisical

i don't know why but i feel like i haven't given my best yet.

in a lot of things.

and when i realize it, it's already october.

like, what???

by the way, i finally finished reading this book that i bought 380 days ago.

yeah, it has been a languid year as well for my reading activities.

this is my 5th attempt to read japanese books, also my 5th book from Isaka Kotaro. so i can't really say he's my favourite author as i've never read works from other authors. This book was nice, it's a compilation of short stories, but they're related to each other as the setting is the same, only the character in each story is different. the scenario was that the world was about to end as meteorite was forecast to fall, and it is 2~3 years before predicted doomsday. all havoc and unrest has just calmed down after people seemed to be tired of it. like other of his books that i've read, the setting is Sendai, and the stories are told from the eye of residents of condo complex named Hillstown. each story has its own unique view, it's interesting to delve into various people's mind when confronted with the fact that world is going to end real soon.

hopefully the remaining days in this year will be filled with me feeling accomplished with a lot of things. i would hate it if 2012 just end with me being not so productive, that is so sad and a waste of my young age.

but, i did read manga though

thanks to my labmates who are loyal buyers of 'マガジン', i really appreciate it that i can read Kindaichi without having to wait for the tankoubon.

now i'll try reading the next book! commute time in trains is the best time to read them